Sometimes the hardest thing ever will be allowing yourself to be happy.  Sometimes you know how to make yourself perfectly happy, perhaps even experienced it.  You just won’t let it happen.

It’s so hard to choose to make yourself happy for the rest of your life.  Trust me.  I know this more than anything else.

xxbisousxx

—> deine sb bis am ende… nicht unsere, aber meine…

It’s not fair that we criticize and judge people.  Perhaps it’s our very nature, to always analyze the situation.  Perhaps it’s wrong.  Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing here in Mainz.  I love the cold air here.  When I come home at night, and I can breathe in the cold, sharp air.  I love the way, the streetlights… their glow falls onto the snow.  It reminds me of when I used to go skiing as a child, and around 10 o’clock, and everything was so dark.  I remember the way the light used to fall on the snow back then.  Some things never change.

I know that it’s been a long time since I’ve written, and I apologize for that.  Life is filled with busy nothings.  It’s a quick succession, one day without events, another with even less.  I don’t know how the time escapes me, but it seems to always drift away from me.  I have papers to write now… it’s a lot of fun.  The one, I’m going to write about grammatical case.  I know you probably have no idea what that means, but it should be fascinating.  It’s kind of like the difference between saying:

“I don’t know to whom I’m speaking.”

and

“I don’t know who I am speaking to.”

As you can see, the main difference between these two sentences is the fact that the word ‘who’ has an m on the end of it.  Even then you may not know it, the word ‘whom’ is in the objective case.  And so when you take the word ‘whom’ out of the objective case, you need to switch the syntax; that is to say, that the word ‘to’ may no longer stand in front of the word ‘who’ but must now stand at the end of the sentence.  And so here is the very premise of my paper.  By comparing several different languages, one may come to see that case has never been so straightforward.  Grammatical case is a very complex subject–one that I find quite intriguing.

I’m currently studying old Norse, among other languages, in order to better understand the evolution of the Germanic languages.  It’s really quite amazing when you study linguistics; I don’t know how to explain it.  You see, that once you understand a little bit–just the smallest picture–you start to really understand how old and complex our world really is.  To see a language evolve is to see people evolve, culture, life as we know it.  When you study old languages like old Norse, the so-called language of the Vikings, the vocabulary is much different from studying a language like French.  In French, you learn words like: bookcase, homework, and filet mignon.  If and when you learn the language of an older people, you learn their words and their way of life.  Your vocabulary consists of words like elf, dwarf, and sword.  It makes you realize what kind of a life they must have lived.  You may read this and think that it’s boring and useless to spend much time on days of old and people who no longer exist.  I believe that you can’t know where you’re going, unless you know where you’ve been.

And the thing about linguistics, is that it’s the science of language.  It’s amazing when you know, how words are related.  Did you ever think about how people say things in one place?  Why is it that in England, they say, “trousers”, and in the US we say, “pants”?  And yet if you said “pants” in England, they would take that to mean underwear!  And what about the word “breeches”?  Where I’m from, its kind of like the word “creek”– even though they are both spelled with two e’s, we say them as though they are pronounced with a short i.  Alas, “breeches” rhymes with “pitches” and “creek” rhymes with “brick”.  And despite all of these differences, they are all considered English.  (Just a short note:  Coincidentally, the word “breeches” comes from the Old Norse word, “brók.”  The main word for pants in German is now “Hose”, but there is also a counterpart for “brók”, “Bruch” which now is related to the word “breaking”, or “breeching”.  Weird, isn’t it?  I call it *fun* !)

Did you ever hate reading Shakespeare?  Perhaps you read the parallel versions like we did in high school.  On the left-hand side of the book was some scribbled nonsense about thy art thou something or other, and on the right was something much more easily understood.  It used to bother me so much that I couldn’t read the old English.  While now I know that that was merely early New English. I’m sure now that I have taken German, I would understand a lot more.  I’m trying to read old Germanic texts even.

I just hope I can do everything right.  I know this entry seems a little bit… neither here nor there… but I assure you it’s because my mind is also neither here nor there.  This is all relevant and all makes sense to me.  It’s all related in my head.

I think I’m finally starting to feel again.  You probably don’t know what that means.  Let’s suffice it to say that my life has changed a lot, but most of all my attitude.  I’m trying to be more like that girl I used to be.  I’m trying to smile more and be optimistic.  I’m trying to remember what it’s like to learn.  I’m trying to smell the roses but still get on the home at a decent hour. Sometimes the hardest thing to remember is what you want and balance that with what is good for you.

I fear the one thing I want most in life may never be mine. But we mustn’t let that stop us from being great.

I think I watch too many silly historical romance films… but perhaps that keeps me dreaming.

xxbisousxx

In the town where I was raised
Clock ticks and the cattle graze
Time passed with amazing grace
Back where I come from.

You can lie on a riverbank
Paint your name on a water tank
Miscount all the beers you drank
Back where I come from.

Back where I come from,
Where I’ll be when it is said and done,
I’m proud as anyone that’s where I come from.

We learned in a Sunday school
Just who made the sun shine through
I know who made the moon shine too.

Back where I come from
Blue eyes on a Saturday night
Tan legs in the broad daylight
TVs they were black and white
Back where I come from.

Back where I come from,
Where I’ll be when it is said and done,
I’m proud as anyone that’s where I come from.
Some say its a backwards place
Narrow minds on a narrow race
But I make it a point to say that’s where I come from.

That’s where I come from,
Where I’ll be when it is said and done,
I’m proud as anyone that’s where I come from.
That’s where I come from

I’m an old Tennesseean
I am as proud as any one that’s where I come from
Back where I come from
Back where I come from
Back where I come from

It’s funny how much this song touches me when I hear it… maybe partly because Kenny Chesney gives his little opening line about how much it means to him.  I guess maybe too because I’m in EU Land, and not with my fellow countrymen.  It’s been a while since I’ve written anything.  It’s like Jane Austen once put it in Mansfield Park, life is filled with the quick succession of busy nothings….  Ask me what I do, and I have no idea…. just that I’m “busy.”  Isn’t that life?

Christmas time here is so magical.  It’s kinda sad though because when I’m in my room, there’s practically nothing here to remind me that it’s Christmas time.  Fang Shi is of almost no help whatsoever.  He’s just not into the Christmas spirit at all.  He’s *such* a stick in the mud.  I think that I could just scream at him, but I just see no point in it.  I try my hardest to try to explain how wonderful the season is, but he just doesn’t get it.

I’m going to try to get him to go to church with me on Christmas Eve… we’ll see if I succeed!  We’ll be in Venice at the time… I can’t wait!  I’m updating my calendar hopefully tonight or tomorrow so that you can see where and when I’ll be.  I’m also trying to get all my pictures up and running with CAPTIONS… and a bit more filtered out for you busy people

I’ve been struggling a bit with the same issues that I have been struggling with since I got to Middlebury 3 years ago.  Which now brings us back to the song above… I’m here in Germany and I just can’t get over the things that I really miss about home.  You know?  Seeing a picture of my sister shoveling snow, and my stocking hung up in my house makes me want to cry.  I just don’t know how I’m going to deal with Christmas day all by myself.  I say all by myself, because even though I’ll have a few friends around me… the only one I’m particularly close to, FS, is *not into Christmas*  And so I feel ultimately very alone for the season.  You know, any and all of my traditions that I apparently cling to are gone.  I mean sure there are Christmas trees here… but there are just some things that I should have.  I try playing Mannheim Steamroller even, just to help me remember my house a bit.  I play my mother’s 80s Christmas music thinking that maybe I won’t feel so alone… but really it’s just unbearable to be alone this time of year I think.

So yeah… plus the election stuff… it was like… people would always ask me about this and that about America, and I guess like Kenney Chesney says, I make a point to say that’s where I come from, even when they bash it.  I try to clarify for them that we think things out.  I want them to know that just because we don’t agree doesn’t mean that someone’s stupid.

*siiigh*  There are just so many thoughts in my head… but I feel sooo exhausted.  It’s almost 3 am, so I guess I’m going to go, even though I feel like I could type forever.  By the way, the picture to the left was taken in Munich.  Just one shot of a typical “Christmas Market”  Gotta love it. 

Mmmm…. xoxox  Merry Christmas!

xxbisousxx

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
I said too much
They’re not enough

The thing I enjoy doing the most is just laying on my bed and thinking about life; the world… anything I can.  I love this song by Snow Patrol, and I’m killing it… beating it into my head, because it makes me feel so happy.

I’m at a loss to explain how sad I am– and yet how so happy I am.  I feel like everything in the world is perfect right now… except my apparently disgustingly dirty suite.  I came back around midnight last night and there she was… waiting for me.  Carolin said Done came home and just started screaming.  Glad I wasn’t there.  She ruined my high… my perfect happiness that I thought could never be shattered.

My night ended around 2 am with tears and an immense feeling of loneliness for the first time.  I started to remember who I was and where I was.  I’m a country girl, for example… and this city life is harder to adjust to than I thought it would be.  I hate how dirty cities are… I’m thinking about starting an album of sidewalk litter… so you can see how life changes from place to place.

Last night Done kept going on how I am not doing this, this, this, this, and this…. and then I just broke down and told her everything I thought about her… save for one comment which I later told Carolin–which is to say, “They have a disease for this behavior in America… OCD”  She says, “We have it here too.”  Apparently!

It was just the culmination of all my fears about the girl.  I just hate living around people who make me out to be some evil beeeotch.  I’m such a clean person with my public space, I don’t understand it.  I don’t think my great grandmother’s house would be clean enough for her.  She needs a hospital or something.

So alas, the storm is over, and I guess I have nothing to fear now.  I just avoid her permanently; hopefully she’ll do the same.  I said everything I felt, so I have no regrets.

I think honesty is the best policy, especially in this case.  Carolin was nice though.  She hugged me before we went to bed. 

So that’s that, and now today I had to do a presentation on the Gothic language.  My professor said we did very well (Clinton and I).  That’s nice.  I felt good about it, but I had to do so much mental prep!  It was crazy!  I am so bad at talking to people… in front of people.  But I sucked it up and I RULED

So despite my little craziness last night, I think I’m overwhelmingly content with everything.  It’s nice to be able to enjoy life you know?  A little Glühwein with my movies.  I think I’ve watched Jane Austen movies almost every day… hahahaha… sad, I know.

I want to make a note that the laundry detergent in Germany is wonderful.

Yum.

ok, xxbisousxx

I have to say that without Fang Shi I would never have so much fun.  It’s kinda cool having a travel buddy for five months.  We get down time in Mainz, but it’s nice to have someone to see things with.  He likes it too, so he can provide his family with about 150 photos of himself for every trip.  Hahahaha… I will one day become a professional photographer, and it’s his doing!

We saw a lot of the train on our trip but it was nice though.  Sometimes just sitting and thinking is my favorite thing to do.  I’ve been doing a lot of it lately, and it’s been nice to be alone with my thoughts.  I think today’s culture is too much go-go-go (as my mother would say).  It’s nice when you just chill out a bit.   Don’t worry about the future, be content with what you have.

I think that this past weekend was perhaps the best of my life because I think I grew a lot, emotionally and mentally.  It’s hard to really explain, especially in so few words… but it just was a time of understanding for me.  I had a great backdrop too, and I think that I am the most content of my entire life.

I use the word content, rather than happy, because I think that content portrays the feeling of not wanting more.  That’s really how I feel.  All the madness of any life behind me is that– behind me.  I feel great and I feel good.  Even when I feel sad, I feel happy.  I feel like my problems are smaller, and yet rather than doing the typical human thing of resizing problems to be huge, no matter how small they are… I just enjoy the fact that my biggest problems are taking the wrong train on my vacation and having to spend an extra hour sitting on a train and spending my time thinking and being happy.  Quel problem!

I think too… that suddenly within the last few weeks, I have this resurgence of love for French.  It’s like I see it in a different way.  I just don’t know that I could deal with French people.  They’re so…. eeew.  Arrogant?  That doesn’t even cover it.

Gahhh… Europe is so amazing and fascinating, and I think the best part about it is that I don’t have to understand to appreciate.

I guess the most important thing about this weekend was that I am starting to figure out what I want from life.  I think it changes a lot… and often.

Perhaps also, it’s hard to define who you need in your life.  I think that friendship/love is one of the most difficult things to define.  When is someone an acquaintance… but when is s/he a friend?  I find that I am so open to people that I don’t know it.  I think I finally feel how open I am to others, and that it is even perhaps abnormal. I don’t know how to not be open with people I guess.  I think I figured that out this weekend.  And talking… goodness I love to talk.

It is perhaps the greatest way for me to bond… short of silence, with deep understanding.  It reminds me of When Harry Met Sally.  You know?  “It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.”  Exactly, Harry.  Exactly.  You know I don’t think I ever understood that statement until now.  Und jetzt weiss ich genau.

I think I’m re-examining my definitions of comfort, and it’s good.

I’m sorry that this sounds like a crazy mischmash of info, I’m a bit scattered atm.  I’m also sorry that I can’t type properly in English… I guess it’s a side effect.

Just know that I’m having a great time-every day.  I love this semester… every second.  I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier, or more content.  I just hope it’ll be this way next semester…. or better yet, for the rest of my life

much love to all… Thanksgiving is coming… and I’m already quite sad that I’ll miss it.  *siiiigh*  You don’t know what family means til you don’t have it no more.

xoxbisousxox

There you have it.  For some, to be ignorant is to be American.  And to not speak French, is to be ignorant.  Ahhhh that’s what I love about Europeans.  They are as just as arrogant as the rest of the world, but even more so in that they’ll never admit it.  There’s something refreshing though, about them.  It reminds me of my father’s sense of humour.  He much prefers to see someone look stupid, and not point it out… rather than to point it out.  Sick sense of humour?  Perhaps… but there is something appealing about it.  I don’t know how to explain it… but it is fun.  Please click on the wonderful picture to the left to see some beautiful shots from our trip.  The one to the left is my favorite, and available in color

So other news?  Doner Kebab got into a fight with Carolin.  Apparently Carolin doesn’t clean well enough for the OCD patient, and Carolin about had enough of Miss Type-A.  I wasn’t in the common room, but I did hear it through my door.  Carolin was… how do they say?  Angepisst?

I’m feeling rather passionate about everything that I have here.  It’s a feeling I can’t explain, but it makes me almost twitch when I have nothing to do.  I feel effervescent (yes much like Alka-selzer) and over-emotional about everything.  I watched the complete series of North and South today, and if you’re a historical romance/Jane Austen fan, then you must see it.  Very good.  BBC mini-series.  I just don’t know what to do first.  I feel as if I could go in every direction with all of the energy bottled up inside me.

Perhaps it’s all the tea I drink that is getting me so excited… but I don’t know.  I just feel…. effervescent… did I say that already?  The smell of vanilla in my room, the ideas that come into my head…. ohhh the more movies I watch the more passion I have.  I guess I just inherit everyone’s feelings.  You see, I have no one to talk to these days.  Mmmm… this blog is all I have sometimes.  Yeah.

I think about my sister often.  I wonder often what she’d think of me if she saw me right now.  I wear such ‘fashionable’ styles that I dare say she’d scarcely recognize me.  Imagine Ashley Bens, the biggest nerd she’s ever known wearing boots, tights, a peacoat, necklace, shirt-dress, and a scarf… all of which match.  She’d not know who I was… that is till she saw my hair… and my purse/travel bag which is a hideous shade of green to be taken along with so much black and purple.  Haha… then she’d know me.  But yeah, I’m working on my fashion sense.  I’m trying to grow up I suppose.  No more purple pants, maroon tank, and green hoodie.  Perhaps those days are gone?

I don’t know… I think I seek to grow up.  It’s something I admit I’ve always wanted.  It’s almost as if I have it into my head that if you grow up that makes one important.  Hmmm… do you think so?  I long for the days when I was a little girl and the only thing I ever wanted was to be so smart that people actually liked me.  Bizarre, really… because I think the more I remained a nerd, the less people liked me, as far as my peers… hmm…

But in college that all faded… and I guess I don’t know if I resent that part of me… for it seems I have quite a mind to never be smart/hardworking in all my pursuits.  Even when I feel the passion for it.  I feel like I want to be something that I dislike… or perhaps I just feel like I am unable to achieve anything?  I don’t know.  I just know now that I have no focus in my life.

Here I am in Mainz, Germany… and I can’t even make up my mind as to whether or not I should eat!  I should very much love some company.  *sigh*  Most of all right now, I long for a friend.  Someone who I can actually talk to.  I fear I’ve been without one for such a long time.  Why did I ever let them go?

It sounds as if I’m crazy.  I know.  I’m quite happy here, I must admit.  It’s just hard for me to not be sure of so much in a territory that is so foreign to me.  Then again, the time to myself has been quite refreshing.  Having no obligation is quite a feeling.

Mmm… it’s funny that someone once told me that I am the most self-aware person she’d ever met.  Really quite odd, because I thought ‘paranoid’ was a better suited word.  I think that my main goal while I’m here is to get over this paranoia, or ‘self-awareness’ so that I can actually stop worrying about every little thought that anyone ever has about me.

Contrary to what most people think, I’ve never had much confidence… not about me.  Mmmm… yeah… not much to be proud of, you know?

I was thinking today about high school… I was thinking about the day I was sitting in Mrs. Gier’s office, my guidance counselor.  And I’ll never forget that day.  It was the day she told me that I was Salutatorian.  Salutatorian.  That translates as “not Valedictorian”  *sigh*  That translates as “failure” –yes, you heard correctly.  You see, I don’t know that anyone ever understood me at that time.  I cried and cried and cried, and yet Mrs. Gier and everyone else in that school was determined to make me deny the failure that I had met.  They were determined to ‘show me’ that I was so accomplished.  And yet, while it seems so very nice that they think so highly of me… I think that was the most insulting day of my time in high school (save for one episode).  It was as if they couldn’t let me admit that I wasn’t perfect?  They couldn’t allow me to actually come to terms with who I was—and who I wasn’t.  It was as if they denied me that chance to come to terms with my perfectionism—and my lack of perfection.  I think after that blow… I never really tried to set a goal ever again.  In fact I know this to be true.  I felt as though I couldn’t achieve goals, so why try?  And all the while, I also felt that no matter how much I failed, how much I let myself down, everyone would just pretend everything was well and good… rather than be a little bit honest with me.  No one would ever really feel my sense of accomplishment or my sense of failure… in short, whatever my goals were… they wouldn’t mean anything, good or bad.

It’s kind of like when mothers make a big deal out their children falling over.  If mommy thinks it is a big deal, IT IS A BIG DEAL!  So then the child cries, but when no one cares, they learn that they don’t need to care.  So here we are… I cared about my goals, but it seems that it wasn’t a big deal.  Now I know that what I cared about wasn’t to be cared about.

I know that I’m stuck in the center of the triangle of being -pathetic-, -a little messed up-, and -dramatic-… but it is what it is.  I don’t need a therapist to identify for me where I’ve allowed myself to be defeated.  I also know that I’m lucky… well, I don’t like the word lucky, seeings as I don’t believe in luck.  What I do believe in is doubt and the power of believing.  I know I’m going all Walt Disney on you, but really if you really think about what is accomplished and what is prevented by one’s thoughts.

Prejudice (even on one’s own behalf) can be the worst thing to hold someone back.  On the other hand, sheer confidence can make the fat kid the coolest person in the entire high school.  And I think that understanding, not pity is the one thing that most people want out of life.  Whether you’re an orphan or the most overly accomplished 13 year old to graduate from Harvard… you want to be understood for your faults, your situation, and your passions…

In sociology they call it ‘epistemic privilege’  Where one can never be understood perfectly because another has never lived their life.  Oh don’t we all love that situation.  It allows us to feel right.  Hmm.  While some may like me to accuse me of relishing in the idea of having such a privilege, I must declare that I could never admire anyone in that situation.  To be understood is something that I should love very much.  To pity someone involves such a great offense.

And so I am going to leave you now, and I depart with a feeling of listlessness…

xxbisousxx

If you want to get a feel for the process… it’s quite an amazing journey, there are free samples online… here, for example: http://www.cateeslanguageworld.com/pimsleur/samples.php  The idea is that you just listen and talk.  Imagine trying to teach someone how to speak English.  What do you do first?  You make them talk!  That’s what Pimsleur does, in the language of your choice, of course.  It’s the most innovative way of teaching in decades, and even though it’s been around for like forty years, it doesn’t seem to be as well used as it should be.

Seriously, even if you don’t like languages, or have no interest in it at all… just give it a shot.  You’ll be surprised.  They start of with a dialogue, usually something to the affect of “Excuse me, do you speak English? -No, I don’t speak English.  Are you American?  -Yes I am American. -You speak X very well! -No I only speak a little.”

At the beginning “it’s all Greek to me” but by the end of 30 minutes, it just sounds as natural as the English equivalent.  Even if you can’t reproduce the sounds, the comprehension is amazing.  This is what high schools should be doing, but alas, we prefer rote.  And it’s not just in America… it’s a problem everywhere.

The very best way to learn any language is to feel it in you.  When you finally embody the language, you know it.  It’s when you meant to say, “Really?” and you say “是吗？” or “Echt?”  It’s when you try to ask a question and it pops out, “Have you something drunk?”  Oops… “Have you drunk anything?”

Mmm… so I think to myself, I can do that a bit with Chinese, more with French, and most with German… but Spanish or Italian?  I can barely squeak out a sentence.

So, I say to myself (see this is the problem with studying language, everything is reflexive!)  “Ashley, why don’t you get your speaking skills up to your passive reading skills.”  Yeah!  So here I am, writing this blog post, and subconsciously muttering, “No, io no capisco l’inglese.”  The reason I’m not devoting my full attention to it, is because I want it to be subconscious.  I did this with Greek a few years ago, and even though I only spent an hour on it one day, I can still say “αγγλικά” and “ελληνικά” with no problem, as well as the whole phrase (writing is a different story).  Same with the Hindi lessons.

I see this as testament to the ease of language learning, when the method is good.  Believe me, I’ve spent hours and hours and hours studying vocabulary with absolutely no return on it.  Not even a word.  But Pimsleur?  I know I sound like an ad, but it’s just plain true, and I don’t know why people don’t use this method!

Just do me this favor– click the link above, and listen to a sample, whether you want an “easy” language like “Spanish” or “Italian” or a harder language like Vietnamese, just allow yourself to learn, without books, without worrying about how to read.  Just listen and talk.  It strikes me as wholly bizarre that it is considered ‘logical’ to teach people to read and write, and then to speak and listen, when people actually learn the other way first.  Why focus on reading and writing when you can’t actively participate?  Just because you can read doesn’t mean you can say anything, and yet if you can say anything, writing is nothing.

So alas, I’m going to teach myself some Italian on the weekends and some Spanish.  Nothing crazy hard, just Pimsleur stuff so that I don’t feel like a total waste of education.  Oh yeah, and because I hope to put them to some use

It’s also good for my language skills, as I’m taking all these linguistics classes.  It helps to be familiar with Latin roots!

So that is all… tomorrow is Monday and I have no classes!  I’m going to go shopping a bit… and my new Zen X-fi comes tomorrow!  Yay!  Happy times are coming!  This is just a fabulous semester.

xxbisousxx

Is it better, say, to study literature for four years and be the greatest literatus possible, and still not know anything about gravity, or perhaps not know what an amino acid is?  Is it better to see every city in Europe for only a day, or to be so well acquainted with your state that you know everyone, and yet you don’t know names of cities in the surrounding countries?

I have noticed that there are arguments for both.  After all, those who support the “jack-of-all-trades, master of none” theory are more well-rounded, whether education or experience.  But what do they have to offer?  Is a specialty a good thing or a bad thing?

Does a society run at its peak when everyone is a specialist?  I think I learned that in high school economics, but don’t quote me on it.  But what about if everyone was well rounded?  Is it not better to have a society of average people than a society of people with great short comings?

Alas, we have neither, and we have both.  But still I would like to know, what is preferable.  I feel like breadth, in so many ways is better.  Whether it’s Walmart, traveling, or school… but I know that arguments against this are also plausible, if not deserved.

I have to say though, that I really like traveling in a whirl-wind.  I find that once I settle into a place, I settle.  It takes a great amount of effort to ‘stir the pool’.  You know?  It’s like in an ocean, once sediment settles on the bottom, it doesn’t move without a great force to remove it from its place.  That’s me.  Now that I’m ‘permanently’ in Mainz, I don’t get out and take pictures.  It becomes ‘home’.  Same with Midd.  It’s like yeah, so what?  It automatically loses its luster, I guess.  Familiarity breeds contempt?  Well, I won’t go that far… but I do feel that depth only brings so much happiness, especially for the vast majority.

My latest examples with this are language and travel.  I noticed today in fact, that all scientists are arrogant.  I am generalizing, of course.  (That’s a given with me, isn’t it?)  But I have observed that all scientists feel like they, themselves, are the very keepers of knowledge.  They always act as if they are the only ones who see the world for what it is.  And when I say scientist, I don’t mean just Newton or Copernicus or Noam Chomsky.  I’m talking about the literati as well, just as an example.  Did you know that the word for “literature studies” in German is in fact literarily translated as “literature science”?  Why is that?  Because they treat literature with a certain amount of analyzing and usw.  They think of literature as something that can be analyzed to the point that it is a science.  I disagree, as I feel that literature is merely expression of the human soul, much like art and music.  Analyzing literature only brings passion to the impassioned and brings despair to the despairing.  Because it’s an emotional subject, there is nothing objective about it.  I can’t stand ‘analyzing’ decoded messages that are in the form of words, pictures, or sound waves.  They are to be appreciated at best.  I don’t want to talk about it.  Even Harry Potter, I acknowledge that JKR is a literary genius, but please, I don’t want to talk about it for two hours.

My professor today, actually made a remark that I found to be exceedingly entertaining.  He said that linguistics is the study of language and all of its aspects.  Literature is only “aesthetic.”  Hahahahahahahahahaha… I almost squealed with delight.  Exactly.  Literature majors make me sick when they go into long soliloquies in class (notice my literature vocab…) about how the main character seems to be inflicted with some twelve syllable word that I can’t pronounce let alone know what it means.  Why doesn’t any language department care about the development of language?  That’s what I hate about Middlebury’s language programs.

Do they talk about the uniqueness of Germanic languages?  No!  They are such a unique group of languages, and yet they get no airtime as such!  Imagine a language that changes head-directionality!  They go from “I hit the ball” to “I think that, I the ball hit had.”  WHAT?  Who talks like that?!?  GERMANS!!  (And the Dutch)  Crazy.  And why doesn’t anyone talk about the Norman invasion and the effect that it had on English?  Why do you say “pork” and “beef” (French words) and “swine/pig” and “cow” (German words) ??  Because the French ate the animal, and the Germans/English butchered them!  I mean, class struggles live on in the words we use today!  Why beautiful and not schön?  Aristocracy… mmm…

What does it mean when you study for depth and not breadth?  Is it better to know “literature science” very well than to spend time to appreciate its foundations, linguistics?  Is it better to learn a bit of ten different languages to better understand human thought and human development, or to be able to read scientific papers in one or two?  What about with traveling?  Is it better to see every city in a day or to establish yourself in one city for a year?  Would it be better to have 15 friends, or one friend who you can trust your life with?  Is it better to be a Walmart store, with everything anyone could ever want, as long as the options are cheap (so maybe one or two options of everything) or a store that focuses on one area and gives you hundreds of choices within their specialty?

I don’t know.  I don’t know.  I guess like everything in life, we need some balance.  Some times you want depth, and sometimes you want breadth.  I think at this point in my life I want mostly breadth… but perhaps a little depth would be nice.

Perhaps what I’m looking for is simply put, diversity.

*sigh*  First day of classes leaves me with a lot of thoughts… 

xxbisousxx

Have you ever asked yourself, what a language is?  Why do some people understand one sound, but not another?  Why is Bwerl not a word?  Why?  What makes something a word?  And of course, as an English speaker, you think of course!  You can’t have a B and a W next to each other!  We don’t have words like that!  Right… words can’t exist like that.  Hmmm… what does that mean?  The African Language, Xhosa, is actually pronounced with a click (Xh represents this sound).  If you want to see something extraordinary, see Miriam Makeba.  You may not believe your ears.  It’s called Qongqothwane.  It’s the most puzzling, bewitching thing to really explore.

It has long been asked if there is a perfect name for everything, if there is a proper name, pure and “uncorrupted” by the erosion that time bestows upon a language.  What is the meaning of a word?  And is that all that it is?  Is that its… essence?  (See Aristotle on that one…)

And what is a language anyway?  In linguistics we learn that “a language is a dialect with an army and a navy” or that it is simply the dialect with the most power that is given authority among those similar to it.  There is no such thing as a “language” and a “dialect”  No, there is language, represented with dialects.

When you look at the list above, you may be quite surprised to see the different words, and how few of them you actively, or perhaps passively understand.  Understand the French word?  You should, that’s where the English word comes from.  But what happened to “Sprache” ?  Shouldn’t the English word be more like the German word?  Indeed it is, but it’s French counterpart sounds so much more…. educated.  What is speech, when you have language?

Language has fascinated me since I was a child.  My mother used to take me to the library in Jamestown, where I would get Hungarian dictionaries at the age of 8, only to read them.  My sister read more “suitable” things like novels and such… but I was entranced.  I just loved the idea of symbols… that have meaning.  It’s also quite extraordinary when you learn a new language… it’s like training yourself how to be.  Whatever the verb “to be” means…

Take Chinese for example.  It’s fascinating that the word 認識 means to know someone.  Why?  If you look at the two characters (if you can see them) would you know why?  As Wang Laoshi once told us, when you meet someone, it is an experience with words, that leaves an impression… which stabs you in the heart, like a knife.  And so you have this in the first character: language on the left, the knife on the top, and the heart on the bottom.  Isn’t that astonishing?  Here’s the first character so you can see it better:

認 You might be quite surprised to think that things like the character to the left mean anything.  But indeed… once you can tear apart the written word, decipher it and understand the way people think… the way you too can think.. it is the most bewitching thing I have ever encountered.  It’s so hard for me to think of too many other things that I enjoy more.  But having read Barry Farber’s “How to Learn Any Language” I must say, that he reminds me of what really fascinates me.  It’s not about reading complicated literature in German or French… or even being able to translate for people.  It’s about appreciation.

I love learning how language changes, it evolves…. how it affects people’s lives… I want to know it’s essence, it’s meaning.

What does language mean, what is it, what are its properties?

Language is a living organism, and there are many species, many breeds, and they are all beautiful.  You just have to take the time to appreciate it.  I think of languages like German to be like a Magpie.  Many say that German/a Magpie is rough, harsh, ugly, perhaps even annoying or unwanted.  But really, all that means is that they cling to their judgments and they see the world only as they want to, and leave no time for appreciation.

Appreciation is something that I have in abundance.

That’s all that I want in life right now, is to spend my time remembering the every day miracles.  Today’s every day miracle?  I’m writing this in Germany, and you’re reading it in the US, perhaps minutes after I click “publish.”  Tomorrow’s every day miracle?  I find “publisch” to be a much more logical spelling, and I end every question with “oder?”

I think no matter if you’re 10, 38, or 73… when you look back a little bit on life, and remember what you used to want, what you used to spend your time doing, you really get a sense of who you are, how great you are, and how small you are.  If you ever want a reminder of what it feels like to be stereotyped, and “type-casted”… come to Europe, and make sure you try to speak their language, only to be met with them speaking English.

There is a good, albeit sad joke to leave you with, perhaps you may have heard it.

What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?  (bilingual)

What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?  (trilingual)

What do you call someone who speaks 4 languages?  (multilingual)

What do you call someone who speaks 1 language?  (American)

Indeed, Europe.  Indeed.

Oh and something that has been bothering me for a long time, I have finally found (thank you Barry Farber, I do love you!)  Yan will probably enjoy this the most, but I thought I’d share it with everyone.  I’m going to read this book when I get a chance… check this out:  http://www.newsmax.com/farber/Herbert_London/2008/08/25/124636.html

I have to admit I adore his line that, “Paris Hilton remains famous for being well-known.”  Funny how life works, isn’t it?

Goodnight, Moon.

xxbisousxx

And so here you can see that I have committed the most terrible of offenses.  I used a broom!  And I did not clean it out completely.  Now, normally I do (I do this with my vacuum at home constantly)  But it was like this when I used it, minus my hair.  But the dust clumps were already there.  Döner Kebab doesn’t believe me.  She comes in, sees it, though she says *she never uses it* and then starts screaming, “Ashley, Ashley? Are you in?  Hello?”  Of course, in English, because I don’t know any German.  I am American, after all.

And then she proceeds to read me the Riot Act, as though I deliberately am trying to annoy her.  Or I don’t appreciate her?  She has this stupid sign that we put on each other’s doors on Sunday.  Now it’s Carolin’s turn to clean for the week!  It’s so ridiculous.  She wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t wash the floor for one week.  We barely use the room, it’s not like my mom needing to clean the kitchen floor, especially during the winter.  It’s like, Döner Kebab, chill the heck out.  She’s just driven mad with the fact that I’m so messy.  I would hate for her to live with my sister… (no offense, Jess)

I don’t even cook in my room anymore.  She’s way too difficult to live with, so I just don’t.  I try to stay away from her as much as I can.  Carolin is much nicer.  I cook in Fang Shi’s suite, where he doesn’t even think about washing tables or cleaning the bathroom.  I’m all for being clean, and helping to maintain the suite, but she needs to stop being so angry at me, especially when SHE LEAVES HER HAIR IN THE DRAIN AFTER A SHOWER!!!!  But do I say anything to her????????  Nooooooooo………

I can feel the anger penetrating me as if I am Anikan Skywalker.  In honor of my continued anger towards her, I’m starting a new category to keep track of how much she interrogates me… see “Döner Kebab” on the side.  I’m going to stop obsessing, but good golly miss Molly, I’d like to smack her.  She is never pleasant towards me, and only talks to me when she has a problem with me.  At least Carolin and I had a decent conversation, AND IN GERMAN.

I watched Star Wars (RotJ) with Fang Shi and his roomie the other day, see nice guy… I just don’t understand why he’s so dang lucky.

Oh well. C’est la vie?  I have to get ready for our “Termin fürs Kennenlernabendessen” aka get to know everyone dinner.  Midd’s paying for it, so I’ll be there!

Right now I’m still trying to figure out where I want to go, what I want to see, what I want to learn…. and how to do it cheaply….  who knows.  I’ll keep you afloat of any major decisions.  Depending on the money sitch, I might go to Munich this weekend.  Not sure though.  Probably 40% chance atm.  Oh, I also decided not to audit the Akkadian and Pali courses due to problems with the enrollment system here.  It’s a convoluted mess, and involves running around campus tracking people down.

Ok, much love,

xxbisousxx